That’s the hardest sentence I’ve ever spoken. Into my mirror, shaking, back in May this year. Right after my 38th birthday.

I was terrified as I said it. But then I tried it a few more times. And each time I said it, it felt a little more right. There had been some fundamental problem in whatever internal processes defined me as a person, and this magical incantation just cleaned them all up. It removed all the little inconsistencies and errors, restored forgotten items, made sense of old memories, smoothed out my inner turmoil. I felt good all of a sudden. I made sense to myself for the first time ever in my adult life.

How the hell did I get here?

So, sorry to disappoint but I’m not going to go into too much detail on that here. Yes, this is my personal website and I can put whatever I want up here, but that’s not how I want to have that conversation.

The short version is that growing up a quiet, emotional kid in the 90s was a great way to get bullied relentlessly and then learn to shove any part of yourself that made you different down deep inside. The result was 30 years of repression, deep personal discomfort and shame, and an ongoing refusal to identify with the bullshit that is fragile masculinity in our day and age. That last part was probably a gift though.

If you want to know more go ahead and ask me. I’m an open book on the subject, and I love having conversations.

Why am I writing this?

I’ve already told everyone in my personal life, and I’ve been blessed with nothing but acceptance and love. Certainly there have been some questions and even some odd statements (my first experiences with bi erasure, oh boy!) but nothing was said that a calm conversation didn’t correct. I feel lucky. I’m also old enough at this point to not really give a damn if someone’s not ok with this. I don’t need anyone in my life who can’t accept the real me, and coming to terms with who I am has only solidified that attitude. Therapy helped a lot.

But coming out in professional life has been a different story altogether. I had a lot of mixed feelings about doing this, and the bi people I know or who I have met or who have come out to me since I figured this out (spoiler alert: there are a lot of us!) have a wide variety of opinions. Most feel that this is a personal thing, that they don’t owe anyone an explanation of who they are. I respect that. They’re on different journeys than I am though. The way I repressed this and the way I’ve come to cope with not just my identify but how I could shove down such a huge piece of it for so long are a big deal to me. And I’m coping by owning it. By being visible and letting people accept it or reject it as they will. I don’t feel I owe anyone the comfort of not having to know this about me.

I’ve spent a great deal of time reading and thinking since May, and I’ve decided it’s important to me to come out professionally because it helps me regain control of this aspect of who I am, and because I think I can have more of a positive effect on the people around me by being visible.

I have benefitted enormously in my career from being a straight-passing cis white man in tech. I have been playing life on easy mode (If those sentences bothered you, let’s talk, I’d like to hear more about that). And I’ve reached a point in my career where I’m unlikely to suffer any consequences whatsoever for this. So I would cringe at anyone labeling this as “brave” as I feel I’ve been anything but that my whole life. But by deciding to be an open and visibly bisexual man in a leadership position in my corner of the industry I just hope that I can make someone else feel more comfortable being who they are.

Nobody should have to suffer for existing outside of the boundaries of what society wants us to be. Many people will continue to suffer. And in coming to this realization so late in life, after having neatly dodged all the societal pitfalls queer people face getting by in the world, the only thing I really have to offer is standing tall in support of anyone who can’t be visible right now.

I will also say that I’m still learning. I hope I look back at this post a few years from now and cringe at some of the things I wrote, because it will mean I’ve grown. But for now I’m just going to try and get by in the world by being the real me. And if anyone feels like that isn’t something available to them, I hope they can feel safe in trusting me. I’ll do what I can for you, even if it’s just being able to listen.

Please remember: we are ants on a rock in an infinite nothing. All we have is each other and the time we've been given. And that is an amazing gift. Try to do something good with it. I’ll keep trying too.